Chathu's Classroom - Ending the SSD Lockout

Having finally agreed to a new CBA with SneakySportsDrivel, I too have decided to end my lockout, so I'm back baby.

Now in my downtime I've had the chance to watch what was billed as a tight contest between two evenly matched test cricket teams. And while watching Zimbabwe's resounding victory over Bangladesh in Harare  took up most of that time, I've also been able to take a peek at England vs India.

India's largely abysmal performance of late reminded me of my childhood. Let me take you back to U15's and U16's club cricket. At this age the more skilled young cricketers, such as my illustrious blog colleague, had moved on to the glitz, glamour and sex, drugs and rock and roll world of grade cricket, leaving the rest of us (including yours truly) to grind it out on the club scene.

In these final years of junior cricket what I noticed was that a lot more of the kids playing were only there because they were made to. Regardless of how good they may or may not have been, they looked forward to Saturday mornings about as much as anyone looks forward to lining up in front of Ma’a Nonu. What was bleedingly obvious was they just did not want to be there.

India at the moment is one of these kids. While they just want to go and do something cool with their friends, or go play in the IPL, their parents are living vicariously through them and making them turn up every Saturday.

Granted Tendulkar, Dravid and Praveen Kumar have put in. And I’ll excuse Amit Mishra, I mean he’s just not very good. But Laxman decided to stop scoring runs after the two tests it took him to realise the white men he was playing against weren't Australian. Dhoni seems to be carrying out a German Homer Simpson-esque non-violent protest against catching. Anything. Sehwag missed the first two tests, then spent as little time as possible actually on the field in the third.

Now granted injuries haven't helped and they are playing a team at the peak of their powers away from home. And the word 'rest' or 'break' don't seem to be part of the BCCI's scheduling vocabulary. But still, some effort would be nice lads, even if you just pretend you still like playing test cricket.

Chathu

20 things I'd rather do than watch Alistair Cook bat

1. Watch the Wallabies play the All Blacks at Eden Park.
2. Light myself on fire.
3. Lose NRL DreamTeam to Karl.
4. Chug drain cleaner.
5. Support the Roosters.
6. Challenge CT to a physical contest.
7. Slow down Paul Gallen's play-the-ball.
8. Remove a urinary catheter without an anesthetic.
9. Watch the Pauly D/Deena kiss on a repeated loop.
10. Start an argument with CT.
11. Rip my fingernails out with a pair of pliers.
12. Try to chat-and-cut in front of Larry David.
13. Try and actually catch a Jarryd Hayne no-look pass (HA!).
14. Experience waterboarding.
15. Watch Jarrod Croker and Taniela Lasalo try and tackle.
16. Allow Bret Hart lock in the Sharpshooter for 15 minutes.
17. Listen to Tim Gilbert call the rugby league.
18. Make CT angry.
19. Cook crystal meth for Gus Fring.
20. Study Civil Engineering. Yes, it's THAT bad.

AB

The Nicolas Cage Decision

Tyrone Roberts was MIA, regardless of what the Late Mail said.

Having built an impressive body of work in character-driven dramas from 1985-1995, including a Best Actor Oscar for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas, Nicolas Cage seemingly decided to steer away from intense method acting roles, instead growing a series of weird hairdos and churning out a multitude of D-grade action movies like Drive Angry, Season of the Witch, Knowing and Ghost Rider. While Cage is often criticized for not pursuing Academy Awards, he still gets to cash eight-figure cheques and perhaps not devote as much time and effort to each role, and most of his movies are still big box office successes anyway.

Well like Cage's career, there comes a point in every serious NRL Dreamteamer's season when he/she makes the tough decision to forfeit any challenge to the overall rankings and instead just focus on their head-to-head leagues and the eliminator. Sure, you may not be able to win the car and bragging rights over 83,076 other players, but at least you don't have to pump in as many painstaking hours around the bye weeks and you can still make some easy cash if you placed pre-season wagers with your league mates. Well, for me and my team Gobias Industries, this point was precisely 5:30pm on Saturday, 18th June. For those still in the hunt for the FJ Cruiser, I will try and retroactively chronicle all the significant moments that led to this decision*, in the hope that you can perhaps see the warning signs in the future and not feel a sense of monumental failure like I currently do.

* I had originally intended to film an hour long interview for ESPN regarding my decision, but it appears I was beaten by a bloke in the States who thought of this ingenious idea 11 months ago. I suppose now Lebron can say he at least won something this year. Too soon, Miami fans?

Friday, 10th June: Round 13 Lockout

Despite the early season benchings of Sam Rapira and Shaun Fensom, as well as Simon Mannering and Matt Prior's unexpected shift into the centres, Gobias Industries is sitting pretty in 22nd place overall with $175,000 in the kitty and 15 trades remaining. Just prior to lockout I flirt with the idea of bringing in a basement-cheap Corey Norman for Beau Henry, however I decide to save the trade since Henry will start in round 17 anyway.

Saturday the 11th June: Titans announce Henry signing

For the second time in 12 months, Wayne Bennett forces the 2010 Toyota Cup Player of the Year out of his club for the following season, with Beau Henry joining the Gold Coast effective immediately. My master plan of keeping him for round 17 falls apart like Lebron in crunch time, since the Titans have the bye then. If they had announced the signing 18 hours earlier, Gobias Industries would have offered Corey Norman a contract and cleared him to play in round 13.

Sunday, 12th June: Things start to fall apart

Norman sends a big eff-you to Gobias Industries management with not only a massive 51 points, but also a victory over my beloved Raiders. Across the ditch, Lewis Brown is outscored by even Krisnan Inu, while James Maloney has forgotten how to tackle AND kick goals.

Monday, 13th June: Bellamy botches interchange rule

Jared Waerea-Hargreaves puts a huge shot on Gobias Industries' Adam Woolnough, while Frank-Paul Nu'uausala is placed on report for a proceeding swinging arm. Thinking he had earned a free interchange, Craig Bellamy mistakenly substitutes Woolnough 5-10 minutes earlier than usual. The interchange is eventually stripped from the Storm, and Woolnough doesn't play another minute. At this stage I am beginning to feel cursed like Red Sox fans from 1918-2004.

Tuesday, 14th June: Post-lockout and round 14 teams announced

Gobias Industries slips nine places to 31st overall. Tyrone Roberts is named to start at 5/8 for Newcastle, and at $94000 is set to see large price rises - especially if he replicates the 32 that he produced last start against the Warriors (with a now injured Mullen doing all the kicking back then). Of greater concern is Glen Fisiiahi's return for the Warriors, as he will now replace the solid Jack Reed as Lowest Scorer in Case of an Emergency. And with scores of 2 and 6 on his resume, that is a terrifying thought, especially after the Luke MacDougal Emergency Fiascos of 2010 (let's not go there).

Having a player like Fisiiahi in your squad is like going to a nightclub with an ex who is still keen on you, only she looks like George Rose*. You would much rather try your luck with the elite, attractive women at the club, but if something goes wrong she will jump in and unsuccessfully try to fill the void.

* I don't have any ex's that look like George Rose.

Friday, 17th June: Trading Day

Corey Parker is scratched from the Brisbane-Saints showdown after failing to recover from niggles sustained in Origin II. Since Tyrone Roberts should see about a $40k price rise by round 17, I decide to take a big gamble and trade Henry for him now and hope he outscores Reed and Woolnough (which is likely for a starting half). The late mail provided by the Daily Telegraph, Sportsnewsfirst, nrl.com, Peter Sterling, Twitter and individual club websites say the Knights' only concerns are with the fitness of James McManus and Dan Tolar. I bring Roberts in as fourth reserve, along with Nathan Smith for Lewis Brown.

Saturday, 18th June: The Decision

I tune into Fox Sports 2 to see some bloke called Ryan Stigg confidently striding out onto Ausgrid Stadium as a "late" replacement for Tyrone Roberts. I briefly wonder if it's physically possible to fly to Townsville and kidnap Fisiiahi before his kickoff, but instead just decide to sit through the horrendous Knights-Penrith game, filled with penalties and Nathan Smith errors. Post game, the Stigg reveals he knew he would be playing on Tuesday. Tuesday! Either Rick Stone is as helpful as Johnny Tightlips when asked about team news, or our Late Mail providers are about as competent as these guys.

Fisiiahi gets torn to shreds by Kalifi Faifai Loa, and is lucky to score 11 points. If they subtracted points for atrocious reads in defense, the Fish would have scored about -25. The Warriors decide to abandon long range kicking in the second half in exchange for low percentage chip-and-chase plays, and Maloney scores just 10 fantasy points. I spend the rest of the night moping around like Tobias when George Michael took his hard-boiled eggs.

So that's how Corey Parker, Beau Henry, Wayne Bennett, Rick Stone, Tyrone Roberts, Peter Sterling and Glen Fisiiahi all inadvertedly combined to obliterate the countless hours of hard work I have devoted to acheiving Dreamteam glory since early February. Like Nick Cage, I will now spend my time in the D-grade action-adventure world of league play and eliminator showdowns. That's if I don't light myself on fire first...

AB

Chathu's Classroom - The Stanley Cup Finals

Some thoughts on the Bruins first Stanley Cup in 39 years:

• Tim Thomas deserved to win the Conn Smyth Trophy and will win the Vezina. He was near impenetrable, letting in only 8 goals in 7 games. Pink Floyd were so impressed with him that when Thomas was 5 they named their 3rd studio album and seminal work progressive rock after him.
• Roberto Luongo on the other hand was more like a sponge. He could only absord so much, but eventually he leaks.
• It may not be as good as this, but hearing the packed TD Garden sing Shipping Up to Boston is pretty awesome.
• I'll be honest, after watching the Canucks leading up to the finals I was worried about the Sedin twins. But not only did the Bruins' 1st line of Seidenburg and Chara shut them down, the Sedins earned themselves the ''sisters'' tag. And there's nothing wrong with identical twin sisters from Sweden.
• In general the Bruins outhit the Canucks. Someone should tell Vancouncer that you don't win physical battles by giving away embellishment penalites.
• Brad Marchand went from 20 games with a lone assist and no goals last season to being Boston's most potent attacking weapon against the Canucks, with the highlight no doubt being his shorthanded goal in Game 3.
• Like most cricket teams around the world, Boston were unimaginative and dull with their powerplay for all of the playoffs. While it was still fairly anaemic in the finals, the Bruins' penalty kill made their special teams look fantastic compared to the Canucks.
• Kevin Bieksa is a champion. He was the only Canucks defenseman who contributed meaningfully on offense, an aspect in which the Bruins had a clear edge.
• Zdeno Chara is now my number one favourite Slovakian athlete*.
• If you're going to a game 7 at the Rogers Arena in Vancouver, take public transport. Don't drive.

Chathu

* Editor's note: Personally, I would still pick Daniela Hantuchova at #1 in my Slovak athlete Draft.

Chathu's Classroom - Things I'd rather do

Things I would rather do than watch Farveez Maharoof bowl:

• Tackle Akuila Uate. Just ask Benji Marshall.
• Watch Craig McLachlan perform stand-up.
• Stand under a window at Lord's.
• Be an NFL fan in 2011. Oh wait...damnit.
• Ice-skate near Aaron Rome.
• Step into the Octagon with Cain Velasquez.
• Be US Congressman Anthony Weiner right now.
• Goaltend for the Vancouver Canucks.
• Defend Dirk Nowitzki.
• Make out with Snooki.
• Go on a date with Francesca Schiavone.
• Watch this season of 'Dancing with the Stars'.
• Visit Kim Duthie in a hotel room.
• Go on a bender like Stu in The Hangover II.

Hashan Tillakaratne should do Sri Lankan fans and the whole cricketing world a favour and blame him for match fixing.

Or they could just not pick him. Either way works for me.

Chathu

(Editors Note: 'Things I'd rather do than watch Alistair Cook and Jonathan Trott score runs' was the second option for the title of this article. The two are mutually inclusive.)

Cricket Australia's 25 man 2011-12 contract list announced

Simon Katich is not the only one scratching his head.

Assessing CA's annual contract list is like trawling through the line-up of acts at an upcoming music festival. Each list invariably contains the following ingredients:

Major Headliners: These guys are hugely popular, have obtained a large following over a number of years and command the largest pay packets - so they had better sell tickets and perform on the biggest stage. Typical major headliners are Ricky Ponting, Michael Hussey, Shane Watson, Metallica, Van Halen, U2 and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Over-rated Minor Headliners: Generally these guys had an immediate impact on the industry and became "it" guys, but as their fame and popularity grew exponentially they became over-commercialised to the point where their original fans struggle to relate to them any more. Now they get paid too much, are seen and heard in every commercial, and end up robbing deserved performers of time on the main stage. Michael Clarke, Mitchell Johnson, Kings of Leon and 30 Seconds to Mars are all examples of these guys.

Exciting Underground Performers: Promising prospects who have been hugely impressive during smaller gigs, and are surrounded by alot of buzz but have not yet gone "mainsteam". Pat Cummins, John Hastings, Ryan Harris, Stone Sour, Billy Talent and A Day to Remember are all Underground guys.

Recurring Acts: These guys perform at the same level every year, and will continue to be awarded the gig unless poor form or injury/illness strikes. Most of the names on each list fall under the Recurring Acts category, such as Brad Haddin, Peter Siddle, Cameron White, Birds of Tokyo and Grinspoon.

Unfortunately, each list is always missing two or three performers you wish the governing body had signed, especially when the Chairman of selectors of that governing body is a full-time lawyer who "couldn't select a Sutherland 1st grade side" (Source: Sutherland 3rd grade captain at the time) in the 1980s. To continue the music analogy, these guys are proven big stage performers, have just released a great new album and have gone on a critically acclaimed world tour, but for whatever reason the organisers feel like it is just not "the right time". Here are the top three snubs (in my opinion) of this year's contract list, in reverse order:

3. Ed Cowan

Scored a tough, gritty 133 in the Sheffield Shield final against a fired up Cummins and metronomic Trent Copeland. Is made of the right stuff for Test cricket: patience, good temperament, toughness and most importantly given the recent Ashes series, an ability to leave the ball outside off stump (I still can't get the nicking montages out of my head from last summer). Especially given how ordinary Phil Hughes was against England (avg 16), Cowan seems like the logical man for the job.

2. Trent Copeland

Am I missing something here? This guy is 6'5, swings the ball both ways with McGrath-like accuracy, has the engine to bowl all day (he trundled in for a whopping 56.2 overs in the Shield final!), has taken an astonishing 80 Shield wickets in just 15 matches AND comes from New South Wales! Usually that last factor alone is enough to get you an Australian gig. Given Mitchell Johnson's propensity to bowl at least one horrible ball every over, Australia needs an accurate presence at the other end to create pressure. There is no way Brett Lee would have been as effective as he was in the early 2000s without McGrath and Warne at the other end to tie the opposition batsmen down. At just 25 years of age as well, it just seems unfathomable that Copeland has not been considered.

1. Simon Katich

After being dropped following a reasonably poor 2005 Ashes series (he averaged 27.55, which incidentally is higher than Clarke's 21.44 and Ponting's 16.14 from last summer's series), Katich re-earned his position in the side the old-fashioned way; by sheer weight of runs. He set a Sheffield Shield record for most runs in a single season with a whopping 1506 at a Bradman-esque average of 94.12. Okay, so he was "only" facing domestic bowlers, but are there any other batsmen in the country capable of producing those numbers?

Since getting the opportunity to open the batting for Australia during the 2008 tour of the West Indies, Katich has been Australia's most consistent batsmen, averaging 50.94 and scoring Test centuries in the Caribbean, India, South Africa, New Zealand, England and Australia. In addition, he added the toughness and leadership to the side that once had Steve Waugh proclaiming him to be a future Australian captain. In the three Ashes tests that Katich was injured for, Australia averaged a pathetic 249, including being embarrassed on Boxing Day for 98 all out on a greenish wicket similar to the Gabba in 2008 where Katich defiantly carried his bat for 131* against New Zealand.

At today's press conference, Andrew Hilditch said the reason for Katich's axing was to "start blooding our next opening partnership in preparation for the Ashes two years from now". Presumably this means sticking with the same Watson-Hughes partnership that yielded a disgraceful run-out in Melbourne and an average opening partnership of just 33.67. Hilditch implying that Katich at 35, is too old is also curious given he selected Hussey (36) and Ponting (36) in precisely the same squad. Also, if Hilditch's law firm offices picked up Fox Sports he would have noticed that the likes of Sachin Tendulkar (38), Rahul Dravid (36) and Jacques Kallis (35) all averaged well over 40 in 2010 - in fact Tendulkar scored more Test runs than anyone in 2010, amassing 1562 runs at 78.10.

Of course the conspiracy theory doing the rounds on Twitter is that the frosty relationship between Katich and new captain Clarke was a contributor to the axing. There was the infamous "Song-gate" incident in 2009, where Katich allegedly grabbed Clarke by the throat following Australia's thrilling win over South Africa because Clarke wanted to sing the team song early to spend time with his girlfriend Lara Bingle. There were also persistent rumours that the older members of the team didn't respect Clarke as a captain. If these whispers were somehow true, surely that is just another reason to vote Lara off Dancing with the Stars. 

(Note: I'm not sure if she is even still on that show - I refused to watch it after learning that Bingle, Nathan AND Haley Bracken, Steve Bracks' son and that busty wife of some AFL identity were this season's "stars".)

The Australian cricket team have a couple of huge tours in the next 12 months, and only time will tell how each guy will perform. However, based on the current line-up, it unfortunately looks like it could be more like Stewie at Woodstock than Hendrix.

AB

State of Origin Game 1 Preview

Will Lockyer lift the shield in his final year?

After a truly horrible split-round of rugby league, where the only highlights were a Canberra victory and Shaun Fensom captaining my DreamTeam with a whopping 178 points, thankfully State of Origin I is on Wednesday to remind league lovers that not all NRL players have the same sporting skill-sets as our former Prime Minister. With two ferociously competitive former Canberra legends at the helm of each team in front of a full house in Brisbane, it promises to be a cracker.

Having spent last Friday night honouring Frank Sobotka's famous ''shot and a beer, Dolores'' drinks order, Chathu will describe the Blues' chances using an epitaph from one of the greatest drama series of all time, The Wire. And since I was born in Meninga territory and raised by a maroon-blooded father, I will try and provide a few unbiased arguments about how this great QLD team can go 1-0 up.

Chathu's NSW Preview

“If animal trapped, call 410-844-6286”
          - Baltimore, traditional

Much like the way this epitaph symbolises most of the characters on The Wire appearing hopelessly trapped in the political and criminal Baltimore environment, for the last few years the Blues have been taking on a seemingly hopeless task of beating Thurston, Lockyer, Smith and Slater. Crime is still high in Baltimore and the Blues haven’t looked like winning a series for five years, and over most of that time I think I had more confidence in surviving in a Louisiana swamp than in a Blues victory.

So while you may think it is probably best just to watch the 2005 State of Origin DVD that you picked up at a $5 JB Hi-Fi bin instead of watching the actual coverage, I think there are a few reasons for a touch more optimism this year:

• While this may be the wrong time to continue with an incumbent halfback who seems to get picked a lot more on his defense rather than his relative lack of ball playing skills and 5 straight club losses leading up to Game 1, continuity is something that QLD have thrived on, and there seems to be a bit more of that creeping into the Blues selection policy. 
• We’ve got the better back row, hard not to as there were multiple combinations the selectors could have gone for and still got it right thanks to the depth at this position. 
• Willie Tonga has had his troubles in defense for the Cowboys inside a young winger and Dane Nielsen is a rookie, so playmakers like Uate and Gasnier will have something to target as long as the halves can get them the ball at the right time and place.
• There are about a thousand Dragons in this team. So if it comes down to a game where penalty goals are only allowed NSW will win. But in all seriousness the Dragons are handy so their combinations can’t be a bad thing. 
• Picking the right props helps. Snowden is a monster and King is a fantastic player and has been for some time. Can’t see why coming off the bench for most of the year makes Trent Merrin a better selection than fantasy monster Aidan Tolman, but hey baby steps right?
  

However after all this the point is QLD has much more talent at fullback, five-eighth, halfback and hooker.  So while my jersey and heart say Blues, that pesky brain of mine is unfortunately saying QLD.

And remember Blues fans, we only need to win one game to make Coach Stuart happy (I mean c’mon, really Ricky???)

AB's QLD Preview

While Chathu inadvertently chose an epitaph from an episode where a popular recurring character was brutally executed for hanging around the game a little too long, based on the past five years a more appropriate quote from The Wire would be:

"You come at the king, you best not miss"
          - Omar Little

It is fitting that this famous quote from one of the greatest television characters of all time perfectly captures the career of one of rugby league's greats, Darren Lockyer. In the past 20 years there has not been a greater crunch time performer than the retiring skipper, having scored or set-up match-winning tries an absurd amount of times. Whether it be a last minute try against the Poms to clinch game 1 of the absorbing 2003 Test Series, or snatching loose passes from Brett Hodgson and Jarryd Hayne to steal Origin games during this five-peat, there is no more bankable winner winner in rugby league today. For the past 15 years, NSW have been coming at the King 2.0 and have missed more often than Shaq at the free throw line.

On paper it is true that Queensland have the more impressive side, with 10 Australian representatives from this months Test match taking the field on Wednesday. So much has already been said about this current team, so instead I will try and quell some of these myths Chathu has been reporting:

NSW ''Continuity''

While NSW have persisted with 10 players who were trounced by QLD last year, they have failed to include Jarryd Hayne, by far and away their best player in the past two series. While he may be my least favourite sporting athlete of all time (and this is definitely not an understatement), as a QLD fan I would much rather see him drifting around looking disinterested at Parramatta Stadium than Suncorp Stadium.

Mitchell Pearce's form brings me to my second theory following last week's popular Tony Soprano Paradox: The Jeremy Piven Effect. While Entourage is awesome because of the mateship, sledging, celebrity cameos and copious amounts of female nudity, the show is essentially carried by Piven's brilliant performance as neurotic agent Ari Gold, so much so that the other actors look good and are even given the odd Emmy or Golden Globe nomination. However, when you go and see a movie starring only Adrien Grenier or Kevin Connolly (think Harvard Man or Rocky V), you realise ''wow, that guy really sucks''. That is the Jeremy Piven Effect - his great performance made everyone believe the other guys were good. Famous sporting examples of the Jeremy Piven Effect in action:

• Pearce, who in 2010 was billed as one of the premier halfbacks in the NRL during Todd Carney's stellar Dally M season. However in 2011, with Carney on the sidelines, Pearce led his team to 5 straight losses.
• Daniel Mortimer, who earned a $350,000+ contract following his breakout year in 2009 alongside the freakish late-season performance of Hayne. Fast forward two years, Hayne is about as consistent as the Kurinji flower blossoms, and Mortimer was dropped after being revealed as one of the most uncreative pivots in the NRL.
• Ricky Ponting, whose legacy as the most successful captain ever has been tarnished in the dark days since Warne and McGrath retired.
• Fernando Torres, who left Steven Gerrard at Liverpool for a record £50m fee and couldn't score for Chelsea.

Anyway, back to Origin...

NSW Back Row is "Better"

Here is a fairly interesting stat:

• Combined Origin series wins for Myles, Harrison & Thaiday = 15
• Combined Origin series wins for Gallen, Bird & Scott = 0

While I agree NSW have selected a very strong back row, the QLD boys know how to get it done at this level.

QLD Centres

Are people forgetting that Willie Tonga has played 5 of the last 6 Origin games? He is hardly a ''second string'' centre as some members of the press are billing him. He destroyed Matt Cooper last year - the same Matt Cooper the NSW media is begging to return to rep footy.

 

The Verdict

Despite the above factors, I expect the Blues to be much more competitive than the past few years, particularly given Sticky isn't restricted by club coaching duties. I expect Queensland to win by 1-12 ($3.05), but the match will be close enough that NSW will likely cover the +5.5 start.