Tuesday, 3 May 2011

The Top 10 Most Frustrating Facebook Friends

Facebook is like professional wrestling - everyone seems to construct an overly dramatized and theatrical persona to try and make things more entertaining, impress the opposite sex and create a spectacle. My sister, for example, will very rarely utter swear words in everyday life, but get her in the Facebook ring and she becomes a brash, trash-talking John Cena type. While some Facebook characters are awesome like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock, most of them are like this new breed of douchey white guys, who offer little entertainment and instead just infuriate every member of the audience.

With that in mind, here's one man's list of the "Most Frustrating Facebook Friends":

10. The person who feels it necessary to ‘like’ every new page created
While some mildly entertaining pages are created during a significant world event (Exhibit A: the Royal Wedding), few things are more annoying than finding out that John Smith likes “that one person that you can talk to for hours without getting bored”. I am not making this stuff up.

9. The customized check-in
Being a proud 6610i user, I don’t really understand the concept of ‘checking in’, but I’m guessing it is used to:
a) Make people jealous that you are at an awesome location (e.g. Overseas, Casino, Sports, Concerts etc)
b) Notify stalkers and axe murders of your exact position
c) Annoy everyone by clogging their news feed with garbage like “M2 traffic jam”,
“most boring lecture ever” or “Johns living room”

8. The person who provides constant word count updates on the essay they are working on
Do they want help? Encouragement? A warm beverage? I’ll never know…

7. The girls who post photos of themselves in front of the mirror with the camera visible
You know the photos; two or three girls often in a hotel or nightclub bathroom somewhere, performing a series of pouts, Blue Steels, tongue-pokes and borderline lesbian activities – all somehow choreographed while holding the camera. This despite the fact you can see that the camera is technologically advanced enough to have a self-timer.

(Note: Absolutely inexcusable for a guy to do this – but we will get to that)

6. The seedy guy who tries to flirt by commenting on girls’ photos
Often the creepy admirer of #7, this guy has the remarkable ability to make everyone else feel like they have just got off a Gravitron after three Pluto Pups and six flat beers fresh in their guts. Generally looks like a cross between Michael Cera and The Situation, this guy’s modus operandi involves initiating some excruciating dialogue with some smooth compliments like ‘stunning photo babe’ or ‘dammn girl!’.

5. The person who, after casual conversation at a bar or club will ask for your full name so they can add you as a friend immediately on their iPhone
More popular with females, but bonus points here if a guy commits this felony (it is actually one of Karl’s signature moves – a little like Benji’s goose step or Edge’s spear).
There is a tinge of jealousy about this selection for a couple of reasons:
  • I am neither handsome nor charismatic enough to have women begging for my surname on a regular basis, and
  • My Nokia 6610i can’t pick up Internet, let alone perform complex social networking functions.

4. The guy who delivers the same birthday message to everyone
“Happy Birthday! Have a good one!”

If anyone tries to tell me they have never received these sincere, heartfelt wishes I will personally enforce the Dolores Umbridge ‘I must not tell lies’ detention treatment. Getting this birthday message is like getting a compliment from a stripper – you feel special for a very brief instant then realize she says the same thing to every other bloke in the club, and instead you just feel a deep sense of shame.

3. The well-built guy who posts a series of shirtless photos of himself flexing
OK, so the guy has worked hard to develop his 24 inch pythons, but there is no need to turn everybody’s newsfeed into an online Tower 200 advertisement – it makes most guys uncomfortable, and it’s very unlikely that girls are throwing their cyber panties at him.

If there is anyone worse than the Shirtless Flexing Guy, it’s his complimentary buddy who posts comments like "looking huge bro" or any overused Anchorman reference to "the gun show".

2. The Humblebragger
Harris Wittels describes a Humblebrag as "a specific type of bragging which masks the brag in a faux-humble guise. The false humility allows the offender to boast their 'achievements' without any sense of shame or guilt." Here are some common examples:
  • "Well, looks as though my body can't handle yesterday's 120kg bench press sesh #sniff #sosore"
  • "Some guy just asked for my number and I was like 'dude, I haven't even got makeup on today'. Awkward."
  • "It just doesn't seem fair to run up a $4000 bar tab at Ivy when there are so many starving and dehydrated people in the world."   

1. The guy who uses Facebook as an outlet to update the world on every single aspect and nuance in his life
Usually a very close relative of the Check-In Guy and the Essay Update Guy, Mark Zuckerberg should just use his slick programming skills to publicly humiliate these guys like he did to Rooney Mara at the start of The Social Network. Popular posts include:
  • Letting others know his whereabouts, e.g. “is back in Sydney! WOOO!”
  • Keeping people posted on his stage of intoxication, e.g. “6 jager bombs down and its not 10pm yet!!”
  • Informing everyone about his dietary/sleep habits, e.g. “late night snack with coffee…YUM” and “argh can’t sleep”
  • Fishing for concerned comments after posting deep, emotional feelings, such as “wish for once I could find the right girl…sigh”
  • Performing the local weatherman duties, e.g. “so cold outside!”
  • Updating everyone with their state of health, e.g. “just had an epic gym sesh…so tired!”
I could go on and on, but I worry I might turn into this guy soon, so I think it’s time to call it a day.


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